The Pitfall: Misunderstandings often occur when duties, working hours, house rules or expectations aren’t clearly communicated. This can be especially challenging when it comes to the responsibilities of raising children, such as handling discipline. Without receptive listening and a structured process for offering guidance, both the host family and the au pair may have different interpretations of their roles, leading to frustration and unresolved challenges. 

How to Avoid It: 

• Review the family rules and guidelines: Meeting together, face-to-face to discuss what these guidelines and house rules mean is very important. They should have been discussed already during the interview process, but it is unlikely that everything has been fully understood.   Discuss how each person feels about the proposed guidelines regarding (non) use of phones during working hours, playdates, how to enforce screen time limits for the kids, guests in the home, buying of certain items such as shampoo etc. 

• Establish Open Channels: Create a routine for regular communication—such as weekly meetings—to discuss duties, expectations, and any issues related to childcare and discipline.   

• Provide Guidance on Childcare: Host parents should offer consistent support and clear guidance on raising the children, including approaches to discipline. This ensures that if the au pair faces challenges, they have a reliable resource to turn to.  Remember, however, that every person in a child’s life has a unique relationship with them—teachers, grandparents, friends, and of course, the au pair all interact with the children in ways that are distinct from the parents. 

• Receptive Listening: Foster an environment where both the host family and the au pair practice receptive listening, ensuring that concerns are heard and addressed promptly.   Keeping a cool head when faced with differences of opinion can be challenging, but crucial to the success of the au pair and host relationship. 

The Pitfall: A successful au pair experience relies heavily on mutual respect, support, and integration into the family culture. When the host family fails to treat the au pair as an equal member of the household, or neglects their privacy and personal space, the relationship can become strained and less fulfilling. When an au pair is not prepared to adapt to a new cultural environment, it presents significant challenges for their success. 

How to Avoid It: 

• Foster a Respectful Environment: All members of the household should treat the au pair as an equal. This includes educating the host children to respect the au pair and understand their role in the family.  Au Pairs must also be respectful of the family home, belongings and personal space.  

• Cultural Differences: Be prepared to accommodate cultural variation, and both as a host family and as an au pair, you must be prepared to compromise and adjust to some new cultural experiences.    As a host, you may find that the au pair becomes sad or withdrawn due to homesickness.  You can offer support by for example, making sure that the au pair has access to tastes from home, such as eating a hot rice dish for breakfast for example.  Also making sure that there is a stable internet connection in the au pair’s room for video calls home is very important.     

• As an au pair, you must remember that this is a cultural exchange program and that you must be open to learn new things, such as working hard to learn to ride a Dutch bike, accepting the cold and rainy weather and being open to Dutch lifestyle and ways of raising kids.  

• Protect Privacy: The au pair’s room is their private space and must not be repurposed for other functions such as laundry. Additionally, personal belongings should not be used or played with by the children without permission – keeping special things in an inaccessible place can be a good idea.   Au Pairs should always ask before borrowing something and should never invite someone to the family home without permission. 

• Use Our Support Network: Sunshine au pairs and host families have access to a wealth of resources provided by our agency.  Events and Social media groups provide opportunities to meet and talk with other au pairs.   Your program manager at Sunshine is available to help you to navigate any challenges.   Of course, we suggest that open discussions between host and au pair are a first step, but if resolution cannot be achieved alone, then our program managers can step in to offer a fresh perspective or to clarify rules when necessary. 

• Offer Consistent Feedback: Regularly check in with each other.  Remember that praise is often a more effective tool than only criticism.   Childcare is hard work!  When the au pair has made an effort to arrange a special game or activity with your child for example, make sure that this is recognised and show your appreciation.   The same goes for a new step such as the first time the au pair takes initiative to do household tasks without instruction -make sure you tell the au pair that it is appreciated!  This way, things are much more likely to continue in this positive direction!